jadams333's blog

There is something about a cigarette that makes you want to write.
Well, I don't have one with me so it looks like I don't want to write.
But for damn sure.. there is something about a good cigarette that makes you want to spill your body all over the page.
Just wanted to put that out there.. maybe if I ever have a cigarette again I will tell you more about it.

Boy, it's been a longgg time since I posted a blog!
I am not quite sure what I need to write. I would love to write about my experiences in college thus far; however, it is nearly impossible to piece together everything I feel and see.
But moving away to college is only something you can experience.. not imagine or speculate about.

Everything flies by at almost the equivalence of the speed of light. Not to mention, playing a sport makes life and adjusting 10 times as hard. While you are trying to cope to a new style of school, living with a random stranger(s), and most importantly, leaving the shelter of your parent's arms; you are forced to devote your body/mind/time to a sport. For me, days start at 7 in the morning and sometimes end around 12. Of course, class gets off at 6, but then studying and some socializing occupies the rest of your depleted time.

Something funny to remark about sports; throughout the locker room halls, althetes hobble and limp, as if in old age. Collegiate sports bruise and batter the body just until the brink of failure. But as devoted student-athletes, we persist and wrap our battle wounds to continue on. Already, in two months, I have experienced groin problems, sprained my ankle, and can count the bruise total daily. Despite all this, we realize we are not alone... all student-athletes know these pains. So.. no point in complaining, unless you want to lose your spot.

Class... well that takes discipline. And I don't even want to talk about that.

The thing that has been bothering me the most.. ya, that big hole that blazes through the center of my heart. With a simple hug and 'I love you'.. they walk away. You don't realize that they are walking away for a while. You don't realize the only connection you have to them is the vibrations that transmit through the phone. You don't realize how much you are fucking going to miss them... so, you let them leave.
I miss my parents and family more than I have ever known any pain or sadness. Everyday I wake up, wishing to be home and able to just see them... and I call at night, before bed. Before studying/socializing. And I make sure to hold onto those vibrations. Let them ring in my ears, almost as if their presence is truly here.
I LOVE MY FAMILY.
I cannot exsist without them.
I do not know how people can cope with the death of their family member. At least I can call my parents and brothers. At least I know I will be able to see them again and hold them.
Thank God I feel this emptiness... at least I know I am missing something I can regain. And when I come back for Christmas and Summer break.. my heart will feel new and alive. At rest.

College.. well, it isn't something you can dream.. but definitely something you have to experience. It is an experience I wouldn't trade for the world. I have grown so quickly, just as quickly as time flies by me. And despite all the pressures around, it is a pleasure I am able to have this chance.

Hmm.. so the movie 'He's just NOT that into you' (written by Drew Barrymore?) is a great movie for the truths it reveals about the dating world and how men/women react to it. Most men are just assholes who want sex.. it is programmed in them to fuck any and every living thing.

As for women, I can really connect with their obssessive passion to take completely obvious facts and twist them to feel secure, better.. as if there is still a chance. Why do women do this? Why do they believe men want them when all signs say... 'No, he's.. just not that into you' ?
Honestly, I am a woman and I have no clue why we do this. But it sucks. That is for damn sure... Talking to my friend Katherine today, she still talks about her ex-boyfriend/ex-friend( about 5 mo now), as things sort of... slipped away. That is part of the problem, most men don't say, "I am not interested." (great closure), they let things slip. Well.. things don't really 'slip' for women. We aren't willing to accept the truth so easily.
Our minds are somehow programmed to love more than to reproduce; therefore, we will take any evidence from him that could possibly have some relation to us and feast on it like our last supper.
Confusion. That is what this all is derived from. We can't understand how horribly we, as in us women, could have fucked all this up. We also wonder if they still think about us. If they remember us in a positive light. Even a passing thought. It sucks to have unrequited thinking ^^.
For me, I'm no longer interested in anyone, yet I still dwell on everything. I am so done with it, yet I remain. Clearly; I am writing this article.
One of my good friends (even though I just met him- I still refer to him as a good friend) has told me time and time again, 'il est un lache qui tas laisse tomber. Oublie'. And you know, he is right. And I am okay with that. I just want my right to be a woman and think it all over. (Not to mention, my blogs tend to do with the things that consistently bother me) But I am done justifying why I have the right to write this.
I'm not quite sure what else to say, but I just needed to write this. Of course.. my original intention was to maybe to let someone know I was still thinking about it all. But I know I am so done with it. It is just the innate woman response to a lack of closure.
Hmmm... my job is to stop trying to piece all our separate puzzle pieces together that were never meant to fit. When I can do that, closure will have set in.
And slowly, these pieces are dissappearing.. just as the should never have appeared. Truly... they shouldn't have. Ha. How bizarre how everything turns around in your face. In the beginning, I never realized the gravity of the situation. I was just ready for change. And now, I am the (I hesitate to say victim). Well. Ya.
I think I am done with men for a while. I hope. Laugh out loud.
K. I'll stop being such an annoying woman for now. Now that that is off my chest.

Hmmm.. so something that has really been bothering me lately is my quality to avoid conflict. When I know that someone will be angry or question my logic, I tend to not say what I truly think and feel. However, I also know that if I voiced my word, the person may be in a better situation.
I want to write a story.. but it would be way, way too long for a blog.
Okay. I will write about a past experience unrelated to the topic I started with. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Humm... so you frenchies really have no idea how you have it "made" in America. Well.. no, not in America, but with American boys and girls. I mean come on! That is soo hot to have a french accent and speak fluent french (and Italian is up there too). It literally takes any person up by 2 notches on a scale from 1 to 10... haha. And if you were a 10.. well you might as well consider yourself a God/Godess of perfection for American's who are looking to date.
You want to know why I say this? WEll sit on down little kiddies and warm yourself up to my story with these little cookies I baked yesterday... okay, sorry.
Back to the real deal!

So... a little habit of mine (it never fails..lemme tell you) when I become inebriated is to.. well speak in a French accent/talk in French. I guess I just like to feel really sexy when I am in that state? Ha... well, when I went to Cancun in April, my French came out bit by bit everynight. In the bathroom on the third night (yes, I broke the seal), I commenced in my French accent ritual while looking into one of the mirrors. I am sure I was giving real sexy eyes in the mirror and pursing my lips, when I saw a girl awe struck standing behind me. Out of nowhere, in a boisterous, drunken voice she shouted, "Oh My GOD! No way.. you speak FRENCH?!"
Well.. as noone knew me there, and I definitely wasn't going to see her again, I simply replied in my French accent, "Oui, bien sur! Oops. Sorry, I was speaking French. Yes!"
After that, her friend bangs open the bathroom stall and screams how cool this new discovery was. The two eventually left in awe and my friend Kelsey strolled out of the other stall laughing quitely. "Wow, Jess. You know.. this is really going to have to stop someday."
As for me, I felt accomplished those two believed me. Haha... little did I know.. I had just started an epidemic. Ushering my friend Kelsey back to the outside, swing bar (as in the seats are swings), her and I downed another shot of TEQUILA! and talked until her new found 'boo' came along to take her to his room. Alone, I searched the crowd of drunken teens to find people who I befriended, when I hear a large moaning (similar to that of a whale giving birth) behind me. For some reason I felt it could be directed toward me so I turned around to find the two girls staring and saying, "That's her!" to the 15 people they had amassed. I kid you not... 7 people. MDR. Well.. all of them surronded me and started asking me to speak French and how France was... and said "Oh boy! YOou are just great at English. How did you ever learn?" Haha.. at that point I toned down the English and was thankful that no true French speaker was among the people at the bar...
So basically that night, one boy fell in love with me and I made friends with 6 other girls. Haha. It was just magic.

The point of the story is.. you might as try your luck with American girls/guys. We love the European thing (at least most of us). It's hot damn it. ;)

Disregard what i wrote earlier. It has nothing to do with anything. But Im keeping it there...

Events that seem insurmountable.. always are. You get through it when things seem the worst. When you are crushed, beaten, and abused.. you know what? You get back on your feet. Everyone does. Even when it seems like the aggressor shouldn't be allowed to, they do to. You do. Life goes on. It's really worth living you know. Because everything changes and happens for a reason. Thank GOD!
Recent events have really made me learn who I am and and change my devotion. I can't give my devotion to anyone. I have to find me first. I can't wait for anyone that won't be for me. Maybe these things can work later.. but not now. Maybe fate will align stars the way I have felt and bring back the fate I want(ed) so bad.
I feel my body, mind, everything disconnecting from my dreams. My dreams.. so vividly painted with this "perfect fate"... but they are dreams for a reason. Just a place where humans go to dispute everything between conscious wants and unconscious truth. And every waking dream has involved it. Wanted it so so so bad. But you know.. life goes on.
And look, I am a smart girl who is destined on her path. I don't and can't wait for the things that won't actively come get me. So get me, if you want to work for it. We'll see what happens. Who knows.. maybe fate will be how I want it.. and I just have to wait. Probably not. BEcause that is life. We don't really choose much in the course of life. It is fate. It happens. And that was the choice we were supposed to make.
So no. I am not waiting for nothing anymore. I am not holding onto the only thing that is holding me back. The way it is, it is all just dead baggage. An old dream, just hoping to be lived again, cz it was different.
BUT I AM DONE WAITING. YOU HAVE LOST THIS CHANCE. CREATE A NEW ONE IF YOU REALLY CARE. MAYBE ILL ACCEPT.
woot. I feel good.